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Life goes in unexpected directions   
04:14pm 16/01/2009
  So, my mom is going to move out by spring, leaving the house in my hands. I don't really want to live alone, but I don't trust anyone outside of Sam, Cesar, and Tess to be my roommates here. I can't really manage to train/get a pet, and I don't want to live with Sam or Cesar, simply because of the drinking and smoking thing. Tess and I like to drink, but it's not an all the time sort of thing. And she doesn't smoke, which would be nice. I'd just be nervous asking her to live with me at this point in our odd, odd relationship. And it might complicate things/make things rougher than needed at this point. Other people I trust and like don't live in St. Louis, which makes this kinda awkward. I'm not afraid of living alone, I just kinda go nutty when I don't have someone around a lot of the time. I get bored, antsy, and eventually start to freak out, which leads to going out a lot, which is something I can't really afford to do at this moment. Maybe I'll make some new friends by spring time when I start going to UMSL again. I'm going to start by taking one or two classes on Mondays/Wednesdays, and then back to a full schedule in Summer. I'm going to need a new computer soon, which is going to be somewhat harder to swing then I'd like, because I want a macbook, since they are more reliable then my pc. I don't game anymore, but I use mac CAD programs from time to time, which would make it a smarter purchase for me.

All in all, I'm worried that I'll end up confused and lonely again, and that doesn't bode well for me becoming an independent adult at some point. I just can't be alone anymore for some reasons. I need living things around to reaffirm my sanity sometimes, and alone in the house my dad died in doesn't sound too good for that right now.
 
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Cooking   
07:41pm 01/01/2009
  So I had a fun new years, even though I'm feeling a bit under the weather today. I'm excited about tomorrow though. I'm going to head down to the farmer's market to pick up the supplies to make borscht and something with lamb in it for Tess and I. I don't really like spending money to go out and spend money on food at a restaurant when I can make it for her and have a quiet evening at home with a movie or some such thing. I think I'm going to make a lamb stew of some kind. She and I both really like lamb, and it'll be a nice treat since I haven't made anything with lamb in it for a while.
Got my car tire repaired yesterday, and it didn't cost as much as I thought it would. I still have money left over from it, so I can finally start paying back my mom now. Over time I should get out of debt from my mom, which'll be good.
I'm also on the road to no longer smoking. I haven't smoked for a few days, and even though the withdrawal sucks, I'll be healthier after I get done with being sick from it. That's pretty much my only new year's resolution.
 
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A Cook's Life   
04:47pm 13/12/2008
  So, I got a job at Dewey's as a cook, making salads, doing prep work, and making pizzas. It's kinda nice, and the pay is pretty good, so I'm doing ok. It's just going to take a while to get back on my financial feet, so to speak. All but two of my co-workers are pretty cool, which is good. The only real downside is that when one of the kitchen managers works, we listen to shitty rap. The other kitchen manager lets me play my music most of the time, which is great.

Tess and I have been at a crossroads for a while now. We dated 7 years ago, and then we haven't seen each other in 6 years. And now we're kissing, cuddling, and sleeping in the same bed from time to time. No sex, just sleeping. Which is nice, but confusing at the same time because I don't know where it's going or what to classify it as.

I've realized that I miss Ali a lot these days. I wish she would still talk to me, because it would be nice to have more friends that don't drink/do drugs/work in the loop here, but I get what I get in St. Louis. Oh well, that's how it goes I guess.

My sleep schedule sucks. I wake up at 2 in the afternoon, and stay up till 4 or 5 in the morning. It's not good in terms of feeling productive, but I figure I'll fix it eventually.
 
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Blah   
05:23pm 16/11/2008
  I've been suffering from some wicked writer's block lately. I just can't seem to find something to write about at this moment, and that is a rather annoying thing. However, my meds are really working out well, so at least it is less frustrating and horrid than usual. I have been working on finding a job, but right now it's surprisingly difficult. Even malls are having trouble, and many of the stores at them are not hiring for the holidays, which is a big sign of how bad things have been lately. The economy and current political issues concern me, but at least the upcoming president is one whom I agree with on many topics, and it seems like he'll do a much better job than the alternatives.

My love life, has interestingly enough, gotten a lot less. A girl I've known for a long time has decided that we should go out, which is actually rather strange. She used to date one of my friends, which may go poorly, but I enjoy her company a lot, and she has great taste in music. It's strange, but it works well for some reason.

Also, the 23rd is my birthday, and I'm going out to dinner with my family, then drinks with my brother after wards. It should be a lot of fun. It is my golden birthday after all, and I plan to have fun regardless of any troubles.
 
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01:32pm 06/11/2008
  I don't have a job currently, my love life is rocky, and I am in between schools and broke. However, I do feel amazingly better about my life as a whole. I've begun to try and write more, and I'm teaching myself to play guitar again. I'm still working on developing a consistent voice and style. Prose, however, is far more difficult than I remember. At least, taking some writing classes will help with that one.

I'll probably return to being an english major when I go back to UMSL next semester. Theatre is fun and all, but right now it's too stressful for me to put up with and I'm just tired of inconsistent work schedules and exhausting weeks, followed by weeks of nothing to do. I'm trying to find work at a library or book store right now. I think that would make me really happy, and I'd enjoy the experience.
 
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Back in the 'Lou   
01:17pm 05/09/2008
 
mood: drained
So, with my recent illness and the like, I've moved back to the 'Lou for a while. I had to withdraw from school, and I'm going to need to find a job, but I think in the long run I'll do better. After Dad's death, a lot of things have fallen apart, and I do feel pretty icky most days. The meds that are supposed to make me feel better have horrible adjustment periods that make you feel worse for some length of time, but I'll tough it out better with my mom and family than on my own. It gives me a nice safety net.

I do need to find a psych program that takes my insurance, as well as a decent therapist. I do feel better talking to my mom about how I feel, but it stresses her to hear how down I am sometimes.

Nice thing is, I get to hang out with Sam a bit more. Since he can't drink and I'm not supposed to, it's a lot easier to hang out than before, because at alternating times only one of us wasn't drinking, which always became an annoyance for the sober party at some point. A lot of our friends are heavy drinkers as well, so the amount of peer pressure is crazy.

I've also found some kind of odd faith in all this misery. I'm going back to church, and I'm rather enjoying it right now. Even though I have some issuses with a lot of the anger that comes out of it, but a lot of the Christian faith is based upon hope and compassion, which does give me a lot of the strength to get through the day.
 
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Been a long time...   
09:58pm 22/08/2008
 
mood: content
So it's been a long while since I've written anything. Mostly because I've been busy, partially because I've been keeping a journal by hand to help with my horrible, horrible hand writing.

To sum up the past year or so:
Still have one year left of school.
Quit smoking and drinking.
Dad passed away.
Friend, Damien, passed away.
Sam, another friend, had his heart fail and he died for 2 minutes. Luckily no brain damage.
Moved into my own apartment in Como, somewhat enjoying it.
Had a nervous breakdown, which is now being nicely medicated by mid-high doses of SSRIs and sedatives (hence the aforementioned no drinking).
Had my own designs for shows, and managed to secure a main stage set design for this upcoming year.
Got another job for during the school year, so maybe I'll be able to pull myself out of debt.

So, yeah, crazy busy, but otherwise fine. I am looking forward to my classes, and I am going out on a date this Saturday, which should be fun. Hopefully, even though I'll be busy, I want to keep up with this journal, as a method of stress relief and reflection.
 
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late nights and x   
12:09am 02/10/2006
 
mood: exhausted
So, lately I've taken to looking after the local kids that are rolling or tripping on the weekends. Watching people on drugs is almost as interesting as taking them yourself, simply because of the mental awareness thing. For a few hours, you are the most sober, calm thing in their existence, and it gives me this amazingly warm feeling to help take care of them and keep them out of trouble. I guess this means that I like taking care of people on some level, and I'm not sure how I feel about that some days. I'm not a care giver, I'm not reliable, but for some reason, according to a few of them, I do an amazing job of making sure they are having fun and not getting paranoid.

I've managed to get amazingly better at welding in a short span. Dan is willing to let me start doing the actual work for the next project we have, rather than just tacking and non-structural welds. This makes me happy, as it means I'll have not only a skill that most do not have, but I'll also have a resume of projects I have done. All my other classes are doing great as well, but I have to see my adviser in order to register next semester, which is just a pain in the ass.

Oh yeah, I gashed open my right hand and needed three stitches to close it back up. I could see the tendon and everything. I didn't feel a thing, simply because I was amazingly high on adrenaline in seconds flat. If I wasn't, I don't think I would have managed to be as amused by it as I was. Watching them stitch my hand close was cool to watch, but they itched for a while after wards. They come out tomorrow.

And I have a mohawk now. Sleep time.
 
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ramblings from como   
12:02am 21/09/2006
 
mood: accomplished
naruto
Which Naruto Character Are You?
Test by naruto - kun.com


Everything is going ok here. I finished welding together some of the set for George M., and I started to talk to the Japanese professor here about working on his Japanese Puppet theater stuff. I already have my assignment for next semester, I'll be assistant stage manager on The Peddler, and next year I have to do a few capstone projects. After that, it's over. I'm out of college. So close away I can almost taste it. I'm making a few more friends here, Mike being one of the better ones I have had the luck of making. He's a dirty redneck from Desoto, but he is oddly practical and caring. He doesn't give a crap about your appearance or tastes, as long as you aren't hurting him or forcing your choices on him. If you want to be his friend, that's cool with him. If not, fuck you. He also has a similar family background to me, despite the fact that he's from the "backwater" section of Missouri. His parents make enough money to put him through college, but, like me, they do not give him anything he has not earned. Great guy. Wish more people were like him.

Still having somewhat of an awkward anger with some of the female gender right now, not because of what females as a whole have done to me, but because of the way they seem to act around here. The cute, intellectual ones are all either involved with someone or hate themselves, and the "hawt" ones are all stupid, vapid, slutty girls without souls. Why can't they ever be nice, rational, pretty, AND smart (not in that order, but it just read best that way)? *sigh* Well, I have a japanese exam tomorrow morning, so I'm going to go to sleep.
 
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sodesuka   
07:56pm 12/09/2006
 
mood: okay
Life is going okay here at mizzou. I have a ton of fun with my job and the people I work with, and some of the techies are the nicest people I've met in a long time. Classes are actually grinding down into the normal workload and stuff. I have begun to learn how to weld, but other than that most of the work I've done is stuff I already knew how to do.

I really want to see Fearless, and I want some more episodes of Naruto.

Other than that, life is peachy.
 
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first week   
11:14pm 25/08/2006
 
mood: chipper
So it was my first official week of classes and work. I love what I am doing here, and everything seems to be going ok. Japanese is nice, and the teacher is amazing. He has a great sense of humor and seems very practical in his outlooks. I talked with him a bit after class a few times, and he says the JET is a great program, and that out of the english language jobs available in Japan, it is one of the better ones. He also suggested I study abroad there, and it will actually cost less to do a semester or academic year in Japan than here. So I just need his help and my parent's approval. My dad seemed a little apprehensive, "Because air fare is expensive", but my mom didn't seem to mind. She thought I might like it.

The theater here is nice, better than any I've ever worked in. I work there everyday at least two hours a day. I get to learn how to weld, and my boss is a mid-western pirate at heart. He threatened to, "Flog people that don't follow safety protocols." Overall, it's pretty nice, and between the work in the shop and spending time at the rec center here, I've actually gained a bit of weight. Eight pounds to be exact. That makes me really, really happy. My overall muscle tone is improving as well, and I just feel better. Part of it is the air (less pollution) and the other part is the fact that I quit smoking. Tomorrow I'm up at 7:45 to go hang and focus lights in The Corner Playhouse, and Sunday my parents are coming up to visit me.

It is still a bit lonely here, but I'm getting over that. There are some nice people in the theater department, and since there are only, at most, a dozen tech majors, they respond well to new ones. My dad doesn't completely understand how I'm just not really interested in a relationship right now. I just don't think I could deal with one at this moment. I'm too, I don't know, tired. I'm sick of the games and the lies and the stupidity that most women I've dated have played. The stupid bullshit that occurs when you're trying to interact with them. Out of all the relationships I've had, two were nice and decent people who did not treat me like shit. Kat and Anastacia. Anastacia had her own problems to deal with, and was honest about them being why we could not stay together. Kat, while, I screwed that one up, and I've grown as a human being because of it. Funny how human relationships are the most common thread throughout my journal. If you read it, that's what every other post is about. Perhaps that's because what is most important to me, tends to cause me the most pain and confusion. Humans. People. Women. They are what bother me, and in the end, they are the only thing that matters. Odd isn't it?
 
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i'm a what!?   
02:32pm 19/08/2006
 



What type of Fae are you?

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Shivermoon!

  1. Grapes explode if you put them inside shivermoon!
  2. About 100 people choke to death on shivermoon each year.
  3. There are 336 dimples on shivermoon.
  4. Scientists believe that shivermoon began billions of years ago as an enormous ball of dust and gas.
  5. The number one cause of blindness in the United States is shivermoon!
  6. Influenza got its name because people believed the disease was caused by the evil "influence" of shivermoon.
  7. Shivermoon once lost a Dolly Parton lookalike contest.
  8. If you don't get out of bed on the same side you got in, you will have shivermoon for the rest of the day.
  9. The Church of Scientology was founded in 1953, at Washington D.C., by shivermoon.
  10. Shivermoon was declared extinct in 1902.
I am interested in - do tell me about
 
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bored as shit in my new res hall   
12:06am 14/08/2006
 
mood: bored
I haven't been this bored in a while. I'm a community leader here at mizzou now, and that's cool when we have stuff to do, but once we're done with that all we've done so far is go to Wal-Mart and sit around the dorms. We had some people move in today, but my wing of the hall still lacks people. If they had dropped some non-rushing freshman or the like in this end, that would have been cool, but I have two more days until we get the next batch. My room mates arrive then and it should all be cool.

Meme from Kat

1. Name: Joshua Koczan
2. Age/Birthday: 20/ 11/23/85
3. Single or Taken: Single
4. Favorite Movie: umm, I really like movies, so my top three have been The Warriors, Lord of the Rings (it really is just one LONG movie), and Ghost in the Shell
5. Favorite Song: Art is Hard by Cursive
6. Favorite Band/Rapper/Artist: Hard to say, but Cursive, The Smiths, and RJD2 are way up there
7. Favorite Book/Comic Book: The Lord of the Rings/ The Maxx
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings: 1 Tattoo finished, one half-arm sleeve in development, no piercings
9. Favorite TV Show: Weeds/Naruto
10. Favorite Video Game/Board Game: Street Fighter (whole series)/ Settlers of Catan
11. Do we know each other outside of Livejournal? Yes, although I haven't seen you in over 2 years
12. Would you give me a kidney? If we had a decent chance of you no rejecting it, yeah.
13. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you: I have a hidden passion for crappy chic flick comedies like 10 Things I Hate About You and Mean Girls
14. If you could change anything about your current life, would you? I would have a job with the theater department, rather than twiddling my thumbs and waiting for the Dean to get back to me.
15. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you? Sure.
 
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new ink and new school   
01:54am 18/07/2006
  In 2 days under a month, I will be officially moved out of my house, most likely to not return for any length of time. It's an odd feeling, this thing we know of as growing up. I don't like it because I still don't feel fully there yet most days. I am coming to understand myself more as a human being, and I have begun to acknowledge more and more of myself as being what it is, rather than trying to change it. I am becoming more comfortable in my skin, and find I am shedding my discomfort with life more. I like it. I feel stronger with each day. I've come to terms with who I am and what I crave from life, and I realize I know exactly what I want.

Nothing.

I want just enough money to buy the music/clothes/drugs/food/fun I want, and nothing more. I have no desire for power, wealth or fame, cause those things are worthless. I want a completely non-socially acceptable job (not career), where I can be lazy, read, and do as I feel, and my bosses won't care as long as its done right. Essentially, I want nothing to change about my life, except my location. Oh yeah, and maybe find a girl that isn't crazy, obsessive, and/or nags me about my personal life choices. With a brain, preferably. And no diseases. Which, oddly enough, is hard to find, but I'm working on it.

And I'm working on finishing my next tattoo. It rips off a really cool t-shirt that Jen had. The shadow of a girl, gun in hand, blowing her brains out, but rather than blood/brain bits splashing out, it's leaves/petals/flowers. I know it sounds "very gay" (as a co-worker of mine pointed out), but the original print has butterflies, and I already have one flower on my back to begin with. It's going to be on my right arm/shoulder area, and should look cool. I just need about 300 dollars to pay for it. So I need a job as soon as I arrive at Mizzou, so I can get it done over winter break by House of Ink.
 
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here's to you   
01:56pm 28/06/2006
 
mood: contemplative
I keep meaning to update this thing, but I always manage to forget I have it. And it is really only when I have weird dreams that involve livejournal that I remember about it. I really should work on it.

I um...miss people. Some of the nicest people I knew, I don't talk to anymore, and it isn't really because we don't like each other on some level, but because we just don't have time to talk to one another. Some people I've alienated through abusing our relationships. Some people I alienated through the kinds of relationships I had with them. Some of them I was just plain mean to. We all choose the path in life we take, and my path has been rougher lately than it should. And I think if I could know then what I know now, I would have made drastically different choices in the people I have around me now. If it weren't for Sam and Blake, I think I would have gone insane by now. Because I've recently realized how tired of this world I am, and how much I want out. It's not that I want to die/commit suicide, but its more of I want a way to do what I want, rather than what the world wants me to do, and I still haven't come to terms with that being needed.

It is funny when people I've dated lied to me, treated me like shit, and now are trying to emotionally wound me/make me jealous of them now. That's just stupid. If I broke up with you because I couldn't stand the dynamics of our relationship, then it's kinda hard to make me sad or jealous by making out with a fat, blond chick when we're at a large party. Not only will I not be sober (Thank God for Irish Whiskey), but that won't hurt me. Good for you. I just feel sorry for the person you're with, because they are getting dragged along and you're doing this in a way that just makes that person a tool, rather than a person. And I know that it isn't just coincidence that the two of you move every five minutes to wherever I am at the party, cause I keep moving away from you. Far away. By doing what you're doing you've moved from ok ex who just doesn't seem to talk to me, to worthless dumb twat. Because trying to hurt me just makes me think you're a petty asshole. And petty assholes just aren't worth caring about

I'm looking forward to going to Mizzou. I got my schedule, and it's 16 hours, 10 theater class hours and 6 Japanese hours. I'll finally be out of this town.

I ordered a utili-kilt. It rocks, but I have to wait 6-8 weeks for it.
 
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renn fayre, plans, and what i'm going to do.   
10:37pm 03/05/2006
 
mood: contemplative
I went to Portland last week. It was amazing. The scenery was incredible, the city was amazing, and the people were great. Reed was fantastic to visit, and I'm surprised by the odd mix of high drug use and high levels of social/intellectual awareness. Drug users in St. Louis (with a few notable exceptions, and all of us are leaving over the summer anyway) tend to do the "I want to get fucked up, so I will." thing, while these kids tend to study to death, go to classes, maintain jobs, etc., while doing a moderate amount of drugs. There was a large number of functional, intelligent kids that were seriously out of their skulls on psychedelics. It is both frightening and amazing, and more of what I would wish to see in America. People that use chemicals responsibly as opposed to abusively. Because there is a fine line, but too many people cross it and damage themselves in a very permanent fashion. I think it is similar to what Nick and I have been discussing with the Loop rats and curious adults that see his stand set up. Being sober works well, but if you are going to do drugs, use them in a way that is enlightening as opposed to damaging. Don't burn your brain because it feels good, but burn into your mind to explore it's capabilities further. Trips can be HIGHLY spiritual in nature, but people don't look at them like that. It's depressing. When I partake in chemical recreations, it isn't because I want to get fucked up, it's because it feels like a waking dream. The hidden fears and truths about yourself that you know but don't come to the surface and you are forced to deal with them. You are liberated and allowed to reconnect with your soul in an interesting manner. Drugs shouldn't be the opiates of the masses, they should be tools that take one on a spiritual journey. And they should remain tools. They are a crutch, and the best way to learn about yourself is sober. It's just that sober is MUCH, MUCH harder, because it takes a strength of will almost no one has. But that is enough of that.

I have dreads now. They just sorta...happened. We were all sitting down one evening, and Tyler/Jen looked at me and were like "You want us to dread your hair? We got the time." So we did. I look a bit funny, but they are coming together and I'm very pleased with the results. So my hair isn't magenta, it's still brownish-red, but now it's a pillow that I carry with me.

I'm accepted to mizzou, and I'm going to be a theater/dance major with an emphasis in lighting and sound. I've decided that my goal will be to instruct at a college, so I'm going to enter into a graduate program, hopefully somewhere in the north west somewhere, Reed if I can manage it. If I can't do that, I'm going to end up doing the JET program so I can spend some time in Japan and learn a bit about a culture that has fascinated me for years. After that, it's up in the air, but that seems like a sound plan for the next 3 or so years.

The only snags in my current life are an ex-girlfriend who is having health issues that may potentially impact me (I care about her and worry for her health, and that distracts me a lot) and the fact that I may have a TERRIBLE grade in my chemistry class right now. I've done the math, and I'm currently at a D. However, I'm still in the class average, which is GREAT! So, I may get a C or a D, but other than that it looks like A's/B's still.
 
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funny how that happens   
01:51pm 06/04/2006
 
mood: okay
I think I've noticed a trend in my goals/plans. They tend to fall through, because I don't have the money or time to really do what I'd like to with my life. I'd love to learn to play guitar, and I even have one laying around, I just don't have the time to learn. I'd like to move to Chicago, but I don't have the money. I'd like to do a lot of things, but I just can't. So instead of everything I thought I would do up until this point in my life, I am moving out of my parents house, paying for my insurance, getting another job, and going to Mizzou. All so I can be away from here. I'll miss Steph and Zack most of all, because they'll still be here after Tyler, Jen, and Peter have moved back to Portland. However, I do have to get out of this place. I've been here 20 years, and I really don't like a lot of the people I have met here. I have very few friends that I still can talk to here, and it is mostly my fault. I was an asshole, and there is nothing I can do about it. I miss a lot of them, a lot of the time. It hurts to realize that your actions as a human being can have such drastic consequences. The only one of them I still talk to I haven't actually seen in person for two years now. One of them is seriously going to join the Army, and that scares me. Even though I don't speak to him, I don't know how I would handle his potential death through that. I still care about these people a lot, but it's mostly a one sided thing. None of them really are too interested in knowing how I'm doing, and I'm oddly fine with that. I just worry about how they are doing sometimes.

But, that is how life seems to be. I'm moving not because I really don't like it here, but I need a change. And UMSL is not a change from high school. People are still centered around their social groups, still stuck on the idea of the "popular jocks/greeks" and "nerdy weak kids", so it's very hard for me to find people I fit in with and am happy to be around here. But I figure that if it doesn't change to much going to Mizzou, at least I have a change of scenery and I don't have to deal with my parents living with me.

I'm also going to dye my hair magenta. Because I can. I love my job.
 
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12:07am 29/03/2006
 
mood: blah
The Honest Survey!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer these questions honestly.

1. Honestly, what color is your underwear?
not wearing any

2. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
where am I going with my life?

3. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
this survey, talking to people on aim

4. Honestly, what did you do today?
Slept until noon or so, came home, read a bit, surfed the web a bit, went to work, had a couple drinks, came home.

5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
Enough.

6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
Nothing bad.

8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
Yes

9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
People, time to think, physical contact

10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
When I'm stressed enough.

11. Honestly, what is your mood right now?
Crazy out of it.

12. Honestly, have you had an eating disorder?
Nope. Won't eat something, but that's because they are nasty, not because they are food.

13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
Yes.

14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
Yes.

15. Honestly, do you hate someone right now?
Yes.

16. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
Brooke. All of my exes (part of my apologizing to them/reaching closure on a few chapters of my life).

17. Honestly, are you loyal?
To my friends and family, yes.

18. Honestly, are you in denial?
No.

19. Honestly, would you rather be eating chocolate cake right now?
No, I'm full.

20. Honestly, have you gone skinny dipping?
No. Want to, but haven't.

21. Honestly, have you ever consumed alcohol?
God yes.

22. Honestly, do you like someone?
Yes.

23. Honestly, does anyone like you?
I don't know.

24. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
Probably not.

25. Honestly, do you smoke weed?
Yes. I enjoy the occasional sleep aid it provides.

26. Honestly, do you smoke cigarettes?
Yes, 1/2 pack a day.
 
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i am human and i need to be loved   
08:40pm 19/03/2006
 
mood: contemplative
People should listen to The Smiths more often. They just should. However, that doesn't really matter at this point. I'm going to Omaha for a bit of a vacation around the 31st. No reason really, just Jen is headed up there so I'm going out with her. I should be working on Chem stuff cause I have an exam later this week, but I'm in kind of a FUCK THIS! mood right now. It feels kind of odd. I'm 20 and I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up. I love where I am at times, and all I need is someone to be with in a capacity that fits me best. I'm not even sure what that is, but I'll figure it out. I'll manage this all some how, some way. Because I can. I am not as weak as I sometimes feel I am. I am not as stupid as I sometimes feel I am. I am here, and I am alive. I am aware. I know that I will be a success, and my family will love me no matter what I do or what happens. Because they are family. And they love me. They always have and always will.

PS: What's your favorite color Alice?
 
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took this survey over again   
11:44pm 18/03/2006
  Took this survey again, out of boredom, just to see what would change in a year or so.
The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.
 
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